*Warning: Don’t be surprised if you end up noticing a similar situation in your life after reading this post….you’re probably not going to be able to resist riding out your heavy. You’re welcome ahead of time.
It’s a miracle that we can’t predict or see all that’s coming down the pike in our lives. As much as I’d like to be prepared for the future…there are some things that are best left as full on trainwreck surprises!
This weekend I conquered a life long (hell, probably many life times long) breakdown with a certain style of male human. (Ignorant, passive aggressive, small minded, lonely af, patriarchal…..all of this) You know when you reach a place in a situation and realize that you’ve been here before and the feelings and familiarity of the situation you’re experiencing SUCKS and SUCKS hard!….and all you want to do is feel “normal” and back to comfy….like get me outta here….I hate this feeling……Yeah…That’s what happened to me. Niagra Falls style happened to me!
You see, by this man being his angry, lonely, resentful self toward me it flooded me with many memories of other males of my past with the same crusty ass traits……I was not only flooded but paralyzed with endless negative memories…..the body & the brain, she holds what she holds and releases all of that old shit when it’s triggered and that’s when things feel crazy….like caged tiger crazy.
I couldn’t even talk about it without balling. My jaw hurt because I wanted to hold back the wailing….because I might seem weak and even more vulnerable and hell I need to survive…..it’s that heavy or so it seemed. My throat was tight and restricted and buckets of salty ass tears just streamed down my cheeks. Why? Why the fuck is he targeting me? How come people can be so mean? Especially when what he was throwing my way was nothing but inaccurate chunks of spewy information.
Oh, I got super up close and personal with my fire….my mean streak, my way of being that could potentially take him out at the knees….it rose like a mother fucking crest of a tsunami…..and oh how I wanted to retaliate with mean girl type vengence….I remembered what we taught our kids though….when lashing out in anger with intent to hurt instant gratification is all you’ll ever get and it’s gone as soon as it leaves your lips. Ride the Heavy….Stay with it….There’s some pretty spectacular nuggets inside.
I shit you not….it was like lifetimes of memories, thoughts, struggles, hold-backs and pain just bubbling up inside. THIS WAS MY TURNING POINT.
You see when we experience an old wound or weak spot in our psyche it never feels good…. most of us bounce off of the shitty feels and look for the feel good……totally human, yes? Yesterday, as I sat across our kitchen table from my ever loving hubs and literally held my head in my hands because otherwise it was going to drop on the table…I gave him one last “I really don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing with this shit that’s come my way”. He looked at me and said “What vibe do you want to embody right now?” It came to me like a jolt of electricity……DON’T FUCK WITH ME!
As soon as I said it…I knew… I knew that was it, she was mine and I was hers…we were it! I know in my bones that in order to conquer/overcome/blaze a new trail/get a new result/change the DNA in my lineage line I have to blaze a new one….and not just map it out, feel it all, be it all and stay with it.
I compiled an email (that’s how he initiated our communication mid-week last week) that nailed my every thought with intention that reeked of DFWM-ness. Ya know….unshakeble, unstoppable and the likes. I proudly sent my power-packed message and called it quits on any further communication wtih this man. (First time ever I’ve blocked anyone…felt so goooooood!) I’ve never done this before…..I mean I’ve always left the door open….because maybe I was being a coward for closing it and not wanting to hear what else might be said, or maybe I would shush myself and act like nothing every happened, or maybe I thought I should apologize for being over the top outraged?
Not this time, this time I rode out the heavy….I felt like a soaking 165lb sea sponge and continued to stay with it…..There truly is something to be said about feeling it all, all the crunchy, yucky, thick, stinky, heavy, hauntingly familiar feels that come as a result of the Universe dishing you up exactly what you can handle right here and now.
I can freely, honestly and whole mutha flippin’ heartedly say that I broke the seal! Where I (and probably most women in my lineage & community) have high-tailed around, stifled or froze in their tracks in fear of being shut down. Perhaps this is not for everyone,,,I get that…but the thought of breaking new trail for generations to come moves me like Jagger only wishes he could.
And for now, I’m wallowing in awe….in the reality of how right around the corner from my usual turn back point is where shit gets real, real in a sense of evolving on purpose and breaking through what I came here to break through. This feels like it had been with me for lifetimes.
Perhaps someday I’ll genuinely thank this dude for being the catalyst for this monumental break-through and allowing me to dig out my true DON’T FUCK WITH ME flag and fly it proudly….for now, he’s not even deserving of that.