Sometimes you just gotta go Upside down

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Life…..some days it feels smooth like butta and other days I wonder who the fuck am I, where the fuck am I and certainly where the fuck am I going.

This slump is no stranger to me ….I question EVERYTHING I think about, EVERYTHING I say and EVERYTHING I just did….it’s a racket for sure but feels so real and raw.

I’ve been here before and I know that this too shall pass.  This time though, I want to gut it out and understand it more than I ever have…I want to get me!  I’m sure the cosmos, the barometric pressure, my ever changing hormone levels, the food I eat, the over indulgence of booze I drank over the weekend, the fact that I’m about to become a grandmother, the smack down that our youngest is about to graduate high school, the coffee I drink….blah, blah, blah, blah blah….ALL have an impact on who I get to be and how I feel in the HERE and NOW.  Ok, so now what?

My philosophy on this is that when I start feeling crazy, empty, over flowing(aka questioning every effing thing) and out of sorts….I reach for the better feeling feelings….after all, the human in me veers away from pain and sadness and does what it can to climb the ecstasy staircase.   Don’t get me wrong here peeps, I allow myself to feel it all….I think that’s part of the breakdown though.  I feel it all, be with it all, try and make sense of it all and in the process I paralyze myself.

Maybe “understanding” myself isn’t the answer.   Often times I fantasize about living from that GO place within me..you know… that place where all the really radical, off the cuff, spontaneous and unique to you mojo spews out from at the drop of a hat.  I LOVE living from this place…I mean I LOVE living from this place…..Did you hear me Self?  I LOVE LIVING FROM THIS PLACE!

I’ve been living with one toe in the water off and on for sometime now….here’s what I mean when I say this:  I create a vision and I live into it and then I step out of it, and then I wonder where it all went, and then I make it out that I’m wrong and I don’t know what I’m doing…then I go back to what I know I’m good at and what feels safe and comfy to live into….but am I really living?  Am I really living into a life where there is so much abundance and the most incredible possibilities are everywhere??

How do I lay this self sabotaging, stale, familiar way of being to it’s final rest?  Is it possible to do that?  It’s like they say if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.   In any and every given moment I know I get to create something new…..I get to say how it goes, always.  The little voice in my head right now is saying “people are going to challenge you on this one Beth…don’t write it…you can’t prove it”.  My life is living proof that I’m the creator or my own reality…..I need no other proof.   HOT TIP:  Yours is too!

I choose to wake up and give a fuck about experiencing the brand spankin’ new 24 hours that has been gifted to me in a way that brings me utmost fulfillment, joy and connection to the world of people I love.

My daily desires have always consisted of : speaking the perfect combo of head & heart to all (yup all….ain’t nobody (myself) got time for deciphering who gets what and how much), trusting the Universe and its infinite wisdom and all knowing that surrounds us here on this plane, BEing my own endless source of JOY always, and giving and receiving ever so freely with my world.

Living and Being from this place I’ve just described is what I call living and loving unraveled and free~  I know life expands and contracts and we all feel what we feel and respond to it however we choose with the our best at hand. All we have are all these fleeting moments and there are 86,400 in a day…I don’t wanna miss any of them.  I won’t die with a credit on my account.

Lastly, there is something I really love about blogging and sharing with my world, not only is it therapeutic for my soul it’s also about being real, being seen and being gotten and quite possibly shed light for those that might be swimming in the same pond.  I love when I set shit straight in my noggin and see the bigger picture, I love when I get to witness others doing the same.  There’s something pretty effing radical that happens when we are in the presence of another when they clearly remember their magnificence.   Moves ME BIG!     Thank you for seeing me.

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